Nuklhd's
The Goddamn F.A.Q.

**Vancouver Canucks Newsgroup Charter and Goddamned FAQ** v.1.12

Note: This is not a FAQ on hockey. If you want to know how hockey is played, you shouldn’t be watching the Canucks in the first place.

The alt.sports.hockey.nhl.vanc-canucks newsgroup is dedicated to following the fortunes good, bad, well, mostly bad, of the Vancouver Canucks. We also encourage the postings on the following topics.

*Rachel Marsden, misunderstood role model or psycho-bitch from hell?

*The underwear fetish habits of the British royal family

*Anyone who has had sex with Kirk McLean’s ex-wife

*Anyone who has had sex with Jeff Brown

*Anyone who has had sex with Jeff Brown and Kirk McLean’s ex-wife

*Fashion critiques of uniforms

*Hatred of anything from Toronto

*The screwing of the West by the Federal government of Canada

*Would you have sex with Gillian Guess to get you out of prison?

*Are all Albertans rednecks?

*Are all Vancouverites green-haired hippies?

*Fashion tips from Mark Messier

*Media hotties – Tamara Taggart, Jennifer Mather or Jill Krop?

*Records of anytime Murray Baron has taken a good penalty

*Records of anytime Murray Baron has made a good pass

*Records of anytime Donald Brashear has made a good defensive play

*Mindless bashing of any Leaf, especially Tie Dummy.

NEW

*The sexual prowess (or lack thereof) of any poster to the newsgroup

*The number of testicles (or lack thereof) of any male poster to the newsgroup

*Women who buy us beer (RARE)

*Why don’t more foxy chicks hang out in our studly newsgroup…hey baby, c’mon over baby…SLAP…bitch…

*Jazz – Old school or new school? Miles or Dizzy? Monk or Peterson? Heavenly music or tuneless crap?

*How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

*What’s the deal with airline food?

*When are the Vancouver Police just going to change their name to the Gestapo and get it over with?

*Sports Grill/Sports Talk – hey didn’t I see Dan Russell with a squeegie at Robson and Burrard?

*Is Ingemar really from IKEA – or is he a Swedish spy?

*Why does db have foamy’s left nut? And what is Monster’s fascination with the whole thing?

* Apparently, if you want to build your computer from scratch – there are a lot of folks williing to give advice.

Other Rules of posting in alt.sports.hockey.nhl.vanc-canucks

* First off, these are not rules. We have no rules. Except for what’s listed below. Which aren’t rules. Even though I call them rules. And they should be followed as rules. But they are definitely not rules. Got that?

*Any mention of that team from Toronto should mention

the words "centre of the universe"
the fact that the plural of "Leaf" is not "Leafs"
*If you wish to describe something as poor, it should be compared to Kirk McLean on wraparounds.

*Any mention of Dave Gagner must be immediately followed by "the Key"

*Any mention of Kevin Weekes must be immediately followed by "the Future"

*Any mention of Mark Messier, must also mention "the hat"

*Comparisons should be made between Brian Burke and the "Fat Bastard" character from Austin Powers: The Spy who Shagged me. (Yeah, one’s Irish, one’s Scottish, so sue me)

*By posting in this newsgroup you are allowing yourself to be subjected to ridicule on

your spelling
your grammar
your signature
your name
your birthplace
your hair
your homepage
your significant other
your hockey knowledge or lack thereof
whatever we damn well feel like
Guidelines and Issues (Still not rules, though, dammit!) – Courtesy Stash

In my opinion, anyone has a right to post in this group. In fact I wish more people would, even if sporadically. A number of issues come to mind:

Hockey Knowledge.

This is a fan's group. IMO anyone has a right to be a Canucks' fan. I haven't played hockey since I was 16. I could shoot and be a decent checking winger, but beating a player by positional play remains forever an unsolved mystery for me. In fact, if someone could explain it to me, I would forever support that person's Canuck opinions. Last, if hockey knowledge was a requirement, it is questionable whether Brian Burke would be allowed to be a "regular".

Newsgroup Leaders (Regulars, Insiders)

This issue came up last year. In my opinion, no one has tried to be the "Newsgroup Leader". Regular posters may tend to know more about each other than one would think for the Internet. They may also be more prone to use inside jokes, and more sarcasm, mockery and yes, even insults.

Unfortunately, sometimes this tart bantering spills over onto new posters. I don't think the vast majority of regulars are personally attacking new posters, except for obvious trolls.

Replies

Most of my replies go unanswered. Since I choose to play the goof, I'm not surprised. Most threads die on the vine. A few have to be strangled.

It doesn't mean posts are not read.

Cliques

Some of the events discussed on this newsgroup involve get-togethers.

By geography alone, these will exclude most of the fans/posters who live any distance away from Vancouver or Victoria. I don't take this as an indication of cliques having formed. While this may enhance familiarity between involved posters, I don't think this is intended to lead to the exclusion of any poster on this newsgroup.

Think about it. Would you use words such as "familiarity" and "involved" to describe your relationship with THOSE people? :-)

Suggestions:

Perhaps it would be worthwhile for regular posters to pull up a bit with the criticism in a FIRST reply to a new poster. I know each person is responsible for their own sensitivity, but it would encourage more people to test the waters. I've been guilty of hurting a new poster, and though my intent was only to disagree, my reply was taken personally. I wouldn't reply the same way again.

I encourage lurkers to post. A personal opinion, with a few points to back your position is a great way to start. Using phrases like "In my opinion" or "For what it's worth" flag your intent without confrontation. Once you've introduced yourself, disagreement tends to be more acceptable. Even if you are disagreeing with one poster, you are probably agreeing with another.

If you are going to flame someone, have the guts to do it publicly and at least use your newsgroup identity.

Addendum 1 (courtesy Stash)

Posters, especially long time posters, are allowed to change the subject at will. Capital letters are frowned upon, except at the beginning of sentences. First time posters have to perform a mea culpa, criticize Brian Burke for the Bure trade, and publicly take a position on the merits of Mike Keenan. Normally, they also have to argue with Foamy, but we are willing to waive that since he isn't talking to us at the moment. (ed note: foamy has since returned, and is now picking fights instead) However Foamy was our friend and still is our friend. Please do not use the word "fuck" in capital letters.. This is a (somewhat) moral group, and shouting "FUCK" is likely to draw attention to a private interaction which is best kept hushed. Furthermore this group is fraught with tension, and you have to be careful who you troll, you never know when they snap. Some members of this newsgroup, with the exception of Henderson, have long memories.

Addendum 2 (courtesy Robb McLeod)

Here is a standard form letter in order to deal with standard Canuck trolls.

Canucks NG Standard Troll Response Form
(pilfered from the Oilers NG)

Dear:

[ ] Clueless Newbie [ ] Loser [ ] Elvis
[ ] Whiner [ ] Tester [ ] FLAMENET
[ ] Me too'er [ ] Pervert [ ] A**hole
[ ] Spammer [ ] Nerd [ ] Moron
[ ] Fed [ ] Freak [ ] Other
[ ] AOLer [ ] Geek [ ] S**t Head
[ ] Unbearably self-righteous person
[ ] Toronto Maple Leaves fan

You Are Being Flamed Because:

[ ] You posted a message in a newsgroup other than our topic
[ ] You posted an HTML message to Usenet
[ ] You posted a binary in a non-binaries group
[ ] You quoted an ENTIRE post in your reply
[ ] You continued a long, stupid thread
[ ] You started an off-topic thread
[ ] You posted a "YOU ALL SUCK" message
[ ] You said "me too" to something or "Send ______"
[ ] You don't know which group to post in
[ ] You suck
[ ] You brag about things that never happened
[ ] Your sig/alias/server sucks
[ ] You posted a (phone-sex or a make money fast) ad
[ ] You posted something totally uninteresting
[ ] You crossposted
[ ] You posted a message all written in CAPS
[ ] You posted racist s**t
[ ] I don't like your tone of voice
[ ] I think you might be a member of the Toronto NG
[ ] I think you might be a fed
[ ] You posted a "Test"
[ ] You junkmailed me

To Repent, You Must:

[ ] Give up your AOL/webtv/Yahoo Internet account
[ ] Bust up your modem with a hammer and eat it
[ ] Jump into a bathtub while holding your monitor
[ ] Actually post something relevant
[ ] Read the Goddamn FAQ
[ ] Be the Telus singer's love slave
[ ] Be the guest of honor in alt.flame for a month
[ ] Apologize to everybody in this newsgroup
[ ] Post your tests to alt.test/misc.test

In Closing, I'd Like to Say:

[ ] Blow me
[ ] Bite me
[ ] Get a life
[ ] Never post again
[ ] I pity your dog
[ ] Go to hell
[ ] I think your IQ must be 7
[ ] Where were you when the ______ were (winning/losing)?
[ ] Where were you when the Canucks were losing?
[ ] Take your s*** somewhere else
[ ] Learn to post or f*** off
[ ] Do us all a favor and jump into some industrial equipment
[ ] See how far your tongue will fit into the electric outlet
[ ] The ______ are a more likely bet to miss the playoffs than the
Canucks
[ ] All of the above
[ ] None of the above

Addendum 3 (courtesy db):

Thou shalt not bringeth Leaves trolls backeth into this newsgroup by crossposting". I the punishment for a repeat offence of this nature is 1000 hours sustained listening to Brittany Spears' version of 'The Beat Goes On'

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS:

Q. So, I’m new to this. Are you going to be mean to me?

A. As far as newsgroups go, we’re pretty tame. A general rule would be that if you post something inflammatory, you will get nasty responses from somewhere. That’s why it’s called inflammatory.

Q. Why did Pavel Bure leave?

A. Oh, sure, open up that can of worms. This requires a long, yet unsatisfying response. Officially, Pavel has said that he never had a problem with the fans, city or teammates, but that he had reached an untenable position dealing with Canucks management. Canucks management has responded that Pavel did not like the "fishbowl" atmosphere of the Vancouver sports scene, and also mentioned difficulties with previous incarnations of management (specifically the Pat Quinn/Arthur Griffiths era). In the end, only Pavel, and one suspects, Pat Quinn and Arthur Griffiths, know the real reasons why Pavel wanted out. And Pavel tends to remain quiet on the subject.

Q. Did Bure threaten to sit out the 7th game of the 1994 Stanley Cup Finals, in order to get his contract signed?

A. No. No. NO! This was a rumour that was spread by Al Strachan and then copied by Tony Gallagher. This has been adamantly denied by both Bure and then-GM Quinn. Bure claims that Canucks management did not deny this strongly enough, however, though Quinn did go on Hockey Night and Canada, and publicly berate Don Cherry for speaking of those rumours on Coach’s Corner. Bure’s contract had been settled well before game 7. Rumours (and that’s all they are) suggest that there was a source in Canucks management, who didn’t like Pavel, who leaked these stories.

Q. Who are "Chicken-Neck" and "Comb-over"?

A. The former would be Vancouver Province columnist Tony Gallagher. The latter would be Toronto Star columnist Al Strachan. Both are considered shills for the NHLPA, and also have been proven wrong many, many times with their inane trade rumours. They also managed to get an exclusive interview with Pavel Bure after his trade, where they managed to extract no new information. Pavel must have forgotten that Al and Tony started the slanderous rumour mentioned above. In fact, Tony and Al were brazen enough to say that Canuck management did not do enough to stop the rumour, even though they were the ones to print the rumour in the first place.

Q. So what was the Bure trade again?
A. The sad legacy was Bure, Bret Hedican, Brad Ferrence and a 3rd rounder (Robert Fried) for Ed Jovanovski, Dave Gagner, Kevin Weekes, Mike Brown and a 1st round pick in 2000, Nathan Smith. Jovo is having a breakout season, and has been a rock on D. Gagner was bought out after last year, Weekes was shipped to the Islanders with Bill Muckalt and Dave Scatchard for Felix Potvin, a 2nd round pick, and a 3rd round pick.. The 2nd round pick was traded for Vadim Sharifijanov, and the 3rd round pick was Thatcher Bell. Mike Brown is playing decently in Syracuse, and may become a tough 3rd line winger. Hedican is playing decently for Florida, while Ferrence played at the end of last year with Florida, but broke his jaw in the summer, and may struggle to make the team this year. So as of right now the trade is essentially…

Bure, Hedican, Ferrence, Fried, Muckalt and Scactchard for Jovanovski, Gagner, Potvin, Brown, Smith, Sharifijanov and Bell

Q. Who was the biggest loser in the Bure trade?

A. Without a doubt, Sergei Federov. Oh wait, he’s dating Anna Kournikova again, oh, wait, no he’s not…Man, the three of them should just make this a sitcom and get it over with. C’mon – I’ve got a title "From Russia with Love". It’s Three’s Company with a vodka chaser! With the wacky Mr. Furlyski (played by for Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev) as the hip yet clueless landlord – it’s PERFECT!

Q. What’s that music I hear in my head every time I read a Gary Mason column?

A. That would be the background music for Subway commercials. Mason has a style. Of short sentences. To make a point. It’s a shame. Really. A. Shame.

Q. What is "the hat"?

A. The "hat" belongs to Mark Messier, though some would say that Mark belongs to the "hat". Mark has always been, umm, eclectic with the coverings for his bald scalp. There are rumours that the when Mark wears the hat, he becomes evil – which may explain some of his play here.

Q. By the way, about Messier, I keep hearing rumours, he’s not…you know?

A. Bald? I’m afraid so…that’s why he has the silly hats…

Q. No, not bald, you idiot! You know, does he play for the other team? Does he swing from the other side of the plate?

A. This is a HOCKEY newsgroup, son…not baseball, I don’t know what you’re getting on about…

Q. Arrggggh! Fine! GAY! Is he gay? Is he a homosexual?

A. Hmm, are you interested? I’d suggest asking him yourself. Seriously, rumours have persisted that Mark leads that lifestyle – possibly because he looks like a bulked up Michael Stipe. However, there are also rumours that he squired Madonna and some female porn stars. Frankly, I don’t care how he scores off the ice, I just wish he’d do it more on the ice…score, that is, you know with the puck…ok, I’m getting creeped out…next question.

*NEW Q. So, why are all these Q&A’s about Messier still here? He’s a Ranger now.

A. Hey – they’re funny. They’re staying.

Q. And what are all the comments about Donald Brashear and the hat?

A. Well, not "the hat". Again, this is a "rumour". Apparently Mr. Brashear, as a prank used another players helmet (or hat, the story does lose some focus) as his own personal waste receptacle. And I do mean "personal waste" receptacle. I believe John McKeachie was going to tell this story on the radio, but was personally threatened by Donald not to do so. Which is a damn shame, because I would have loved to see that fight. (ed note: Foamy actually knows the acutal story, and gave it to me, but damned if I can find it. Ask him.)

*NEW Q. What do you think about the McSorely trial?

A. I’m not answering that – because there’s no way I want to be subpeonaed and have to go to court. Not a chance no way. Even if the courts have no place in the hockey rink (oops)…

Q. And everyone keeps talking about Jeff Brown and Kirk McLean having some sort of problem. What’s the story behind that?

A. Again, these are rumours. However, one of the reasons Jeff Brown played for so many teams in the NHL was that he didn’t make himself popular in the dressing room. The story goes that Jeff Brown was banging Kirk’s wife, which caused some locker room tension. It also coincided with Kirk going from a Vezina finalist type goalie to a 5-hole with legs. The situation got to the point where Pat Quinn traded Brown and a 3rd round pick away for the excess baggage of Frank Kucera and Jim Dowd plus a 2nd round pick (which turned into so-so prospect Ryan Bonni). More credence was lent to this rumour when Jeff Brown was shipped away by Carolina the day before they picked up Kirk McLean in a trade with the Canucks

Q. What happened to Mattias Ohlund? Is he coming back?

A. Mattias took a puck in the eye during an exhibition game against the Senators in September. The puck deflected off of Dave Scatchard’s stick. The injury caused a great deal of bleeding within the eye. When the blood did not dissipate, Ohlund had risky surgery to remove the blood from his eye. Fortunately, that was complete successfully in December. He is working his way back into game shape, and came back to the line-up Jan 7 vs. Dallas. His eyesight is still not 100 %, but has improved to the point where it will not hurt him. He will wear a visor from now on (duhhh). After off-season surgery, his vision, while not as good as it was before the injury, is much better than it was last season.

Q. What is the room, and how do I get there?

A. The room is the pure, distilled essence of evil. It’s also where Canucks fans go to vent their spleens and talk about everything except the Canucks during Canuck games. How you get there is described on the front page of this website.

Q. Why is Hammer so gosh-darned mean?

A. He was dropped on his head as a child. Repeatedly. On a concrete floor. He kind of likes that now himself.

Q. Is Keenan God?

A. No, but God thinks he’s Keenan.

Q. Who is 'big nose'?

A. That would be Andy’s secret, forbidden crush. Because

he’s married
it’s the @home chick from those commercials (the one holding the balloon)…no more than 15. I’m telling you Andy has a problem.

Q. What makes most Canucks newsgroupers squirm?

A. Either

That hairy legged women’s hockey team commercial (though after repeated viewings, I ‘m starting to get over it, and let’s face it, those women are hot!)
The singing woman from the Telus commercial (though Andy has forsaken the @home chick for her…good for you Andy, at least she’s legal)
Q. Is it ok to start a cross-posted thread on tax breaks for Canadian teams?

A. Well, it’s your funeral. Just remember, most hockey fans will support tax breaks. Except for Toronto fans. Because they want Toronto to be the only Canadian NHL team.

Q. Can I sell penis enlargers in this newsgroup?

A. Though I can think of several needy clients, most of them are tightwads. You probably wouldn’t make a sale.

Q. I'm funny. People laugh at me all the time. How do I get into 'the Hall'?

A. If you write something funny, and people actually like it, someone might nominate you. If it is seconded, Andy will probably put it into the hall. Unless he thinks it’s lame. Because he wants it that way.

Q. What's the deal with foamy and Pavel ?

A. Foamy likes Pavel. A lot. If you want to post something negative about Pavel, expect a response. Especially if the words "whiny little suck" are involved. You were warned.

Q. What's the deal with Burke and Mather?

A. Apparently Brian Burke and Global TV anchorperson Jennifer Mather have been dating for the last little while. She did accompany Brian to a Rangers game in New York last year, and they are still seen around town together. Now, what she sees in Brian, well, we’re not sure…However it does give a lot of great fodder for jokes on the newsgroup, so it’s all good.

Q. Is Tom Larschied really drunk during broadcasts?

A. Yep. Stinking.

Q. How do you tell the Sedin's apart?

A. Ok. Stamped on their ankles are their IKEA product code numbers. Oh, in case you didn’t know. The Sedin’s are cyborgs, built by IKEA, all you need is an Allen wrench to put them together. Daniel’s code number is SVE-14234-22 and Henrik’s is SVE-14234-33. DB also says that Daniel has a tattoo of a butterfly on his ass, but you’ll have to find out for yourself, like he did.

Q. Does Greg Millen know absolutely anything about hockey?

A. No. Look at his NHL stats, if you don’t believe me. And despite what he believes, none of what he says in "inneresting"

Q. Why don't they show more Canucks games on HNIC?

A. Because they’re not Toronto. Toronto has to be on HNIC every week. That leaves 5 other teams to fight for that other game. Toronto has managed to kill off two Canadian teams this way.

Q. How come Jim uses the word 'bum' so much?

A. When you deal with assholes as much as Jim does, you develop a fascination.

Q. Is this newsgroup rated for family viewing?

A. Fuck no, motherfucker.

Q. What do I do if I get into a debate with Harry the Leaf-blower?

A. Well, don’t use logic or common sense, because Harry can’t deal with real world things like this. Just remember you are dealing with an 8 year old mentality. So you’ll have to remember all your schoolyard taunts from Grade 3.

Q. What's with that Phoenix newsgroup anyway?

A. Phoenix fans have evolved beyond posting to talk about their team. Apparently they have some sort of mental link.

Q. Which gamepad should I use with NHL 2000?

Gravis GamePad Pro. Of course, if you want an experience closer to actual hockey, get Fox NHL Championship 2000. NHL 2000 looks nicer, but plays like crap (but you do get retro uniforms for all the teams…)
Q. Did Brashear take a dive? (answer courtesy Stash)

A. More importantly, if the Brashear we were talking about was the one who is on the Canucks roster (please, he doesn't "play" hockey), it is untrue that he would take a dive. Donald may bean enforcer but he is not a thief. The truth is that someone planted a dive on the side of his head, using a hockey stick. Donald had earlier skated by the Bruins' bench and was clearly heard asking, "Anyone spare a dive, I have a coaches confidence to keep". The dive only came to light because his chin strap was undone and his helmet came off during his nap on the ice.

Q. What the hell is the JPOSOTD at the end of Nuk’s messages?

That’s the Jazz-o-phile Piss-off song of the day. A nugget of fine pop craftsmanship that will usually put a bee in the bonnet of a number of jazz loving beatniks in the newsgroup.
Q: How does Nuk choose the JPOSOTD?

A: Nuk (I love referring to myself in the 3rd person) chooses a song that strikes his fancy at that moment. Sometimes they mean something, usually they don’t

Q: Are there any rules for choosing the JPOSTOD?

A: The only rule is that Nuk has to have a copy of the song in his possesion. Scary, huh? That’s the only reason why C.W. Mcall’s great "Convoy" hasn’t made yet. Maybe I should try out that Napster thingy…(note: this is not an endorsement of Napster or of breaking any copyright laws that would not allow Tommy Mottola another beach house or Richard Branson another balloon flight attempt).

Q: Why do you guys hate Toronto? We’re all Canadians here.

A: Shut up, you pompus, centre-of-the-universe believing, western screwing, Energy policy stealing, snowfall-makes-the-national-news, navel-gazing, Domi-loving, arrogant bastard.

Q: Okay, is Dan Fan _really_ Dan Russell?

A: There are two general schools of thought as to the true identity of Dan Fan. The first is that Dan Fan is a young, orphaned/abused child originally seeking validation from the newsgroup. His quasi-conspiratorial posts suggesting callers are placed to make new CKNW sports host Don Taylor look good are typical of a young child's over-active imagination. This theory is further enhanced by the fact that the only other group Dan Fan has posted to is alt.pro-wrestling.wwf. But by far the more popular theory is that Dan Fan is indeed Dan. Many NG regulars support the theory that Dan Fan is a concoction of Dan, on the grounds that there aren't all that many Fans of Dan -- and even if there were, they likely wouldn't be Russell synchophants, as Dan Fan is. (Anyone who's ever heard Russell knows he's not exactly the type which generates a cult-of-personality.) Other evidence to suggest Dan Fan is no Fan of Dan but rather Dan the man comes in the form of an admiration for the Pauser, pathetic potshots at Don Taylor and the Sports Grill, and baseless criticism of Brian Burke (as opposed to logically-constructed criticism of BrianBurke).

Q: Hey, I have a thought. Isn't it possible Dan Fan is just another sock-puppet troll created by a newsgroup regular?

A: Probably not. Generally, the sock-puppet trolls created by NG regulars are found to be creative and clever upon being exposed. If Dan Fan were found to be a creation of an NG regular, that regular would likely be suspended 23 regular season posts plus playoffs (ha) for irritating without entertaining, and would have to apply for re-instatement to the group at the end of his suspension.

Q. Faith or Science?

A. Beer.

Q. What is the list of adopted Canucks?

A. Owner: Pet Canuck

Mike McG Todd "Bert" Bertuzzi

Stash Josh "Crow is not be" Holden "to me"

Shanny Brad "Mayday" May ***TIME TO UPDATE

Ken Matty Ohlund "y, well you came and you gave without taking"

Darren Adrian "Butch" Aucoin

Foamy Lubomir "Lube Job" Vaic ***TIME TO UPDATE

*Craig Graham & "The Canuck Formerly Known as Klatt"Trent Klatt

Chris Harold "Drunken Stupor" Druken

Victor Mike "Big" Brown

Nuklhd Johan "Hollyvood Sqvare" Davidsson

Dirtyred Henrick "The other" Sedin

Dennis Prouse Stevie "Waterbug" Kariya

Magnet Brendan "Lizard King" Morrison

Maggie Donald "Where’s my hat" Brashear

Anders E Markus "Welby" Naslund

Tom Moffat Peter "The richest guy from Yellowgrass" Shaeffer

Steve Miller Rene "don’t call me Simard" Vydarney

JT Ed "Jovocop" Jovanovski

Burz Garth "That's Mr. Dangerfield to you!" Snow ***TIME TO UPDATE

Darren Barefoot Brian "Fat Bastard" Burke

T8R Messier and his replacement ***TIME TO UPDATE

Bryce Andrew "Father of Scout" Cassels

Sinistre Porpoise Greg "The Silver Streak" Hawgood

John Felix "the Cat" Potvin

Josh Eades Matt "The Cookie Monster" Cooke

Mike Justesen Murray "Curse you Red" Baron

Smitti Alfie "Goalie of the Future" Michaud

(editor's note. Why curse your pet?)

Dave Roy Zenith "Colour TV" Komarniski

Peca Fan Bryan "Fragile" Allen

RinkRat Marc "Crow" Crawford

Dwong Daniel "The other other" Sedin

CARLOS the Jackal Brad Leeb! Brad Leeb!

Ruskie Vadim "The Sherrif" Sharifijanov

Hammer Jarko "Don't call me Esa" Ruutu

Alan Caldwell Ryan "I’m not NHL" Ready

A-Whipper Thatcher "In the Rye" Bell

Gratebear Jason "Graceful like Bull Elk" Strudwick

3kidsmom Dennis "Tweety-bird" Pederson

Mike Scheltgen Brent "don't drop the" Sopel

Hans Petter Johnsen .Ryan "Playboy" Bonni

Andy Henderson Bryan "If I had a" Helmer

Rory Tait. Clint Cabana "Boy"

Colin Plant Corey "Q-Tip" Schwab

Euwyn Poon Brandon "90210" Reid

Jdarl Scott "LastChance" Lachance

Ron Yamuchi David "finger workout"Ytfeldt

Banana Jr. Nathan "There is no more boring name than" Smith

Patrick Johnston Larry "my legs are so" Shapely

Monster Artem "Chubby" Chubarov

Jeremy Vis Kevin Swanson ‘g"

Dave O Jeff "Runs with" Scissons

Oz Lurker Marc "Chessmaster" Crawford

Kay Dody "knock on" Wood

feeniksã Bob "Whipping Post" Essensa

A special thank you to Monster for giving up "Tweety-bird" to 3kidsmom. Lonnie will be given first refusal rights for either a. the Canucks 1st rounder this year, or b. any free agent signing.

Note: RinkRat adopted the "good" Crawford – the one who sets up a solid system and says innocuous things to the media. Oz Lurker adopted the "evil" Crawford – the one who benches Steve Kariya and plays Donald Brahear on the penalty kill.

* Eventually, Trent's name will be represented by an ampersand and

pronounced as "TheCanuck". Craig is still working on the legal

paperwork of changing his pet's name.

Still Available : ( I think....)

Regan Darby

Tim Branham

Steve Lingren

Kevin Mackie

Jan Vodrazka

Per Fernhall

Ryan Thorpe

Nathan Barrett

Tim Smith

Pat Kavanagh

Jonas Soling

Sean Tallaire

Darrell Hay

SOME ACTUALLY USEFUL HOCKEY SITES

(courtesy Robb McLeod)

Some profiles on Canucks' minor, junior, and foreign league prospects:

http://www.hockeysfuture.com/Canucks/

Stats on practically every year going back almost forever (please
click on a banner if you use the site):

http://www.hockeydb.com/

Official player and team statistics from the NHL:

http://www.nhl.com/stats/index.htm

Links to RealAudio broadcasts of NHL games (also try www.cknw.com for
Canucks games):

http://www.nhl.com/radio/index.htm

The official NHL rulebook for on-ice conduct that NHL referees (are
supposed to) apply on ice:

http://www.nhl.com/hockeyu/rulebook/index.html

Stories by Tony Gallagher and other associated media trash from the
Vancouver Province newspaper.

http://www.vancouverprovince.com/newsite/sports-c.html

Stories by Gary Mason and other associated media fluff from the
Vancouver Sun newspaper:

http://www.vancouversun.com/newsite/sports-c.html

The official home page of the current Canucks' minor league affiliate,
the Kansas City Blades:

http://www.kcblades.com/index.cfm